


Ten Years and A Day

by untamedsymphony



Series: Ten Years [2]
Category: Blacklist, Raymond Reddington - Fandom
Genre: A/U, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Smut, Spanking, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-11 01:23:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7019701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untamedsymphony/pseuds/untamedsymphony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years have passed since he walked away.  Now a new threat has brought Raymond Reddington back to her door.  Will she be able to put the pieces back together when he leaves her again?</p>
<p>This is set three months after Red comes back into Merry's life.  If there is any interest, I will post their backstory.  Let me know what you think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ten Years and Three Months

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own The Blacklist or any of the characters. They just play around in my head and won't go away until I type out the stories they tell me. This is the first fan fic I have posted. I usually just keep them to myself, but I couldn't resist now that the show is on hiatus. Please be kind, but honest.

Sleep would not come not matter how hard she courted it. With a sigh, Merry threw back the heavy blankets and swung her feet off the bed. The satin of her pajamas slid sensuously over her skin as she stood up, causing a shiver to glide over her body, her nipples to tighten, and making her think unwillingly of the man who had provided them. He had always loved how sensitive her skin was, how close to the surface her response to his touch was. How easily he could evoke shivers and moans. How helpless she was under his hands, his mouth. She hated that he knew, even now, after everything, her body still longed to sing for him. God, she hated the power he had over her. And she hated herself more for still wanting him; for still loving him. How pathetic. Damn Raymond Reddington. And damn her, too. Sighing, she turned away from the bed, knowing no comfort was to be found there tonight. Slipping on a robe, she left her room and padded down the softly lit hall on quiet feet. The big house was silent, even with the FBI agents and Red’s people in residence. Three o’clock in the morning, and time was standing still. Heading for the study, she thought she might spend the last few hours before dawn reading. Red always had a collection of books no matter where he was holed up, and she knew she would find something to take her mind off the misery that swirled through her head like a nonstop merry go round. And if she remembered correctly, he always kept a good supply of Scotch with his books.

  
She quietly opened the library door and closed it behind her. The room was dark but for the light of a slowly dying fire and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dimness. As she expected, the walls were lined with books and ah, yes. There was a decanter with glasses on an end table next to the long leather couch in the center of the room. She walked to the table and poured herself a glass, not bothering to cap the decanter again. She would be back. Swirling the contents, she lifted the glass to her nose and inhaled. The aroma was rich and dark, promising a decadent burn for the throat and pallet. Cradling the glass, she slowly walked over to prevue the books lining the shelves to one side of the fireplace. There was just enough light to make out the titles and she smiled at the odd collection she found. The classics were there, of course, along with tombs on history and culture as well. A few psychology texts shared space with studies on lost civilizations and the occasional biography. But here and there, sprinkled in at random were some very surprising titles. Of all the things she expected to find on Raymond Reddington’s book shelves, erotic novels were not one of them. Humming in amused interest, she reached up to select one off the shelf.

  
“Oh, I do think you’ll like that one.” Reddington’s voice purred from the dark of the room “its right up your alley. The lead female character is so full of anger…and lust.” She whirled around, the drink in her hand almost sloshing over the rim of the glass at her sudden movement.  
“Fuck!” She gasped in surprised fright. “Don’t do that!” The lamp on the desk by the window clicked on, adding its soft glow to the light of the fire. She blinked a few times, and then stared into the face of all her troubles. Watched as his eyes narrowed and his lips pressed into a thin disapproving line.  
“Language, Merry” he admonished. Merry narrowed her eyes right back at him as she took him in. Still wearing the majority of the light tan suit he had donned for his meeting earlier that day, he must have been sitting here in the dark trying to relax as his jacket and tie were missing; the top three buttons to the fine linen shirt he wore were undone, allowing a glimpse of tanned skin sprinkled lightly with dark blonde hair.

  
“Ah yes, you don’t like foul language from a woman, do you Red?” She said, trying to cover her startlement with snideness. “Too damn bad you can’t do anything about it, now isn’t it?” She asked with killing sweetness, emphasizing the curse heavily. His eyes narrowed further; his face hardening; his jaw clenched. Merry could not control the slight shiver of apprehension that ran down her spine. There was a time that look alone would have sent her to her knees in dread anticipation of his ire. Well, that was long ago, and she wasn’t his any longer. He had made that plain ten years ago when he had walked away. She stiffened her spine and sent him a defiant look. He tilted his head and gave a thin smile in acknowledgement of her challenge as he stood up from behind the desk. She took a long swallow of her drink to cover her unease as he strolled- no prowled, around the end of the desk, moving closer with predatory ease to where she stood. She was right. The burn of the scotch was oh, so good going down and created a warm glow deep in her belly that she told herself had absolutely nothing to do with his proximity.

  
He didn’t stop until he was well inside her personal space and she had to resist the involuntary urge to step back. Red smiled gently as he raised one hand to cup her check gently as he looked down at her. “You really shouldn’t tempt me Merry, not like this, and certainly not right now. My mood is a bit… volatile at the moment. I recommend caution, darling.” He said softly, his voice pitched low, carrying the low rumble of gravel.

  
Merry gave into the urge then, quickly stepping back out of his reach, unnerved by the quiet menace in his voice. “Your moods are no longer my concern, Red. And as far as tempting you? Please, don’t make me laugh. We both know you finished with me a long time ago. You paid me and walked away. After all, Raymond Reddington has no use for broken dolls” she spat. Merry turned away before he could see the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. Her chest tightened with familiar pain and her shoulders slumped. She was just so damned tired. “Go away, Red. I don’t have the energy to deal with you tonight.” She moved back towards the bookshelves but only got about two steps before he grabbed her arm and whirled her back around to face him. She glared up at him as his eyes searched her face, looking for what, Merry didn’t know.

  
“So much rage in so small a package” he murmured. She jerked her arm out of his grasp. Knowing she was able to pull away only because he allowed it just added to Merry’s fury. She finished the liquor in her glass in one large gulp and slammed the empty tumbler down on the end table, blinking rapidly against the burn of the alcohol. She went to walk around him, intending to go back to her room, but he quickly sidestepped to block her way. He cocked his head to the side again and spoke softly. “I can’t seem to understand something, Merry, so perhaps you would care to enlighten me. I know you blame me for what was done to you, and rightly so, but that doesn’t seem to be where your rage is coming from. All your snide remarks and verbal slaps seem to be focused on what happened after. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why that should be.”

  
The calm, almost detached curiosity in his voice pushed her past caution. Later she would cringe at the sheer recklessness that had led her to goad such a dangerous man so far. “Of course you don’t, Red. Why should you? You paid me and I went away quietly, like the good little whore you trained me to be. That is how the saying goes, isn’t it? Whores don’t get paid to fuck, they get paid to leave.” She smiled bitterly. “I don’t know what else I was expecting. Very unreasonable of me, really.”

  
His breath hissed out from between his teeth and he grated her name warningly. She laughed mockingly at his anger, almost daring him with her next words. “Why are you so pissed off Red? You were the consummate whoremaster. You made sure you got everything you paid for; I’m the one that got fucked!”

  
He stared at her for a moment, his body gone rigid with fury and Merry was sure he was fighting the urge to strangle her. She stared right back at him, almost hoping for the violence a physical attack would bring, needing a release of the tensions built up inside her. Instead, she watched as he reigned himself in and Merry felt her defiance fade away to be replaced with unease as his gaze became speculative. She watched as his eyes hooded and became heavy with lust, watched as a leer slowly curled his sensual lips.

  
“Ah, now we come to the root of the problem at last. Are you feeling neglected, dear heart?” he purred. Red stepped closer to her, raising one hand to run the back of his fingers lightly across her collar bone and she froze like a deer in the headlights. She sucked in a ragged breath and held it. One touch. One touch from him was almost enough to undo her. But he was still speaking, and his words hit her like a blow. “Sexual frustration isn’t something I suffer from very often, so I apologize for not catching on sooner.” His gazed traveled down her body and back up again at a slow, insulting pace. “But really, Merry, all you had to do was ask…I would be more than happy to… indulge us both.” His voice dropped an octave lower as he went on, thick as honey poured over broken glass, his anger making him cruel. “I have so many fond memories of the time we spent together.” He made a humming noise of appreciation as his fingers wandered down from her collarbone to brush lightly over the swell of her upper breasts. “Of how you would writhe beneath me so wantonly, the delicious sounds you couldn’t help but make when I was inside you, and how you would beg fo-.” The crack of her hand on his check sounded like a shotgun blast in the quiet room as she watched his head rock back. She rubbed her hand furiously against her thigh to alleviate the sting and waited for the resulting explosion. His reaction, however, when it came was not at all what she was expecting. He laughed low and mean, the cruel smile on his lips never reaching the storm raging in his eyes.  
“Oh, sweetheart, you just ran out of options.”

He moved faster than she thought possible and before she realized it she was up over his shoulder with a very nice view of his behind, and he was striding out of the library.  
“Put me down you bastard!” She screamed kicking her feet and hammering his solid back with her fists.

  
“It’s far too late for that, darling. You started this three months ago and I’m ending it tonight. I’ve been very patient with you, but enough is enough. I will have the answers I want from you. One way,” he grunted as she landed a solid blow just above one of his kidneys,”or another”.

  
Red strode down the hall and opened the door to the master suite, closing it firmly behind him. Moving quickly across the room to stand next to the large four posted bed, he deliberately slid her down his body to stand in front of him. Distracted by the sensations, she was too slow to stop him from striping her robe from her and throwing it to land on the bench at the end of the bed. She expected him to push her back onto the mattress, but he turned and moved towards his dresser instead. She watched in confusion as he undid his cufflinks and placed them on a tray, quickly followed by his watch and wallet. Then he began rolling up his shirt sleeves, the motions calm and deliberate. First one, then the other, he rolled the crisp white material half way up his forearms. Then he turned to face her.

  
“Before we leave this room, you are going to tell me what exactly has been eating at you to the point you have done nothing but snap and snip at me like a vengeful fishwife for the last three months.”

  
“No-“she was shaking her head in denial, but he cut her off, his voice firmly overriding her words.

  
“Yes you are Merisel. You are going to tell me everything I want to know, willingly or not. As I said before, you are out of options.”

  
She could feel the panic rising, her heart pounding and her breath coming in strangled gasps. He rarely called her by her full name and when he did, it was never good. It meant he was finished playing games and had decided on how best to get what he wanted from her. And she knew he wouldn’t stop until he got it. There was absolutely no way she could let him make her that vulnerable! To let him into her thoughts, back into her heart would be a disaster. He already had too much power over her. To give him more would destroy her.

  
Despite what her head knew, her traitorous body was responding to the command in his voice; the dominance in his stance. Her skin flushed and her nipples hardened under the satin of her top. The flesh between her thighs swelled and became wet for him. And worse, she knew he understood what was happening to her. He knew exactly which buttons to push to get her to react to him and he was pushing them all. She could see the knowledge in his eyes as they ran over her body, his satisfied gaze taking in every detail, everything she couldn’t hide. She glanced towards the door and quickly back to him, calculating the distance. She had to get away from him, now. If he touched her, she would cave and give him everything he demanded from her. Red shook his head, reading her intentions on her face.

  
“If you run, sweetheart, you’ll regret it.” He said softly. Merry looked at the door again, desperation rising in her at the resolve on his face. Merry made her decision. She had her hand on the doorknob but couldn’t turn it before his weight pressed into her back, pinning her against the dark wood of the door. She could feel the heat of him pressing against her; feel his breath against her ear as he whispered “That was foolish.” His weight lifted and he spun her around to face him, pressing his body quickly back into hers effectively pinning her in place against the door again before she could do more than shove desperately against his shoulders. His thigh wedged between hers, pushing up against her mound causing Merry to suck in her breath sharply. She had to fight the urge to grind against him for relief. One of his hands tangled in the hair at her nape, forcing her to look up at him. The other lightly encircled her neck, his thumb under her chin to keep her head where he wanted it.

  
“Answers, Merisel. Now.” His voice was hard, unrelenting.

  
“You have no right! I don’t belong to you!” She wailed as she shoved at his shoulders again but he would not be moved.

  
“The hell you don’t!” he growled just before his mouth crashed down on hers in a punishing kiss. She tried to resist, beating her small fists against his shoulders and back, but her will where he was concerned was so weak, and in seconds she was clinging to him instead, pushing closer, needing his strength and warmth. Oh God! This is what she needed. Him, like this, right now, overwhelming her fears, giving her no time to think or doubt. Merry ground herself against his thigh, moaning low and deep in her throat at the sensations washing over her.

  
For Red, that kiss changed everything, melting away the anger that had made him cruelly taunt her in the library. Anger at her and at himself and at the whole damn impossible situation that had driven him to carry her to his room so he could continue to be cruel to her. Her response, reluctant as it was, told him so much. The way she clung desperately to him went beyond sexual frustration; it spoke of a need beyond the physical. In his heart, he had come to believe she truly hated him for his failure to protect her as he had promised and he had all but given up hope that she didn’t hate him. The kind of hate he had thought she harbored for him was something Red had feared he wouldn’t ever be able to break through. Rage and pain, though, those he could work with. He would need to change tactics, however. A forced seduction would no longer serve, would only leave them more broken than they were now. He broke the kiss, turning his head to nuzzle her ear. His breathing was as ragged as hers and he was fighting for control. He kissed the delicate shell and she shuddered against him.

  
When he spoke next, the anger was gone from his voice, replaced instead with quiet determination. Merry wondered what had caused the change, but knew he wouldn’t give her the time to figure it out now. “Last chance Merisel. Answers, freely given, or I take them.” Mutely she shook her head in refusal and he sighed in regret. “The hard way then.”

He pushed away from the door and grasping one of her wrists, turned and moved towards the loveseat in the sitting area. “Wait, Red, what-“her voice cut off in a surprised squeak as he sat and swiftly pulled her down across his lap. Suddenly her ass was in the air and she was getting an up close view of the floral print of the cushions. He couldn’t be serious! She instinctively tried to rear up, but his forearm in the middle of her back told her she wasn’t going anywhere. Before she could even think to kick her legs, he shifted slightly and pinned both of her legs under one of his. She felt him lift the waistband of her pajamas and reached back franticly to try and stop him. He quickly pinned her hand to the small of her back and used it to control her bucking and squirming, which gained her absolutely nothing in the end. The pajama bottoms were pushed down as far as his restraining leg would allow and she was bared to his gaze for the first time in ten years. She could feel her face flaming in shame, which only deepened as he caressed the vulnerable globes with a warm hand. This was beginning to feel all too familiar to Merry. How could she have forgotten the way he always took everything out of his pockets so nothing would bite into her skin as he held her in place; the rolled up sleeves so the swing of his arm was unimpeded. She was in so much trouble.

  
“Such a pity, really”, he sighed again. “This isn’t at all what I had in mind when I fantasized about holding you in my lap again. But, perhaps next time, sweetheart.”

  
“Shut up!” She snarled, anger overriding her fear for a brief moment. “There isn’t going to be a next time! There isn’t going to be a this time either! Let me up right this minute! You have no right to do this!” Merry was all but shrieking at this point, squirming as much as the firm grip he had on her would allow.

  
“Sweetheart, I really must insist that you settle down. You aren’t going anywhere just now, and you might want to lower your voice while you still can. We have guests, and you are bound to wake them with all that shrieking!” Red scolded, ignoring her demands to be let up. “If you would have just cooperated with me, this wouldn’t have become necessary.”

  
“I hate you!” She was almost sobbing with impotent rage and embarrassment and he had the audacity to chuckle. She thought he murmmered something along the lines of “Where have I heard that before?” But she couldn’t be sure.

  
“Alright, then, Merisel, I haven’t done this in a long time, so be patient with me.” That was all the warning she got before he began paddling her bottom with quick, hard pops that rained down vigorously on her unprotected flesh. Three swats would land on the left check, followed by three on the right, moving in an ever widening pattern until he was covering all of her. The pain washed over her in waves, and his hand was falling fast enough that she couldn’t keep track of the blows. It didn’t take long before she was gasping and sobbing, wiggling and squirming, trying to avoid the metronome he had made of his hand. The air was filled with the sound of her curses and the threats she made against his life. She called him every dirty, horrible name she could think of and a few she thought up on the spot, but through it all, his hand continued to fall unrelentingly against her tender flanks. After some time, she exhausted herself and she stopped fighting, letting him do as he would as her tears fell onto the fabric so close to her nose. The worst part of all of this wasn’t the pain or the humiliation of being laid over Red’s lap like a misbehaving child getting her bare bottom warmed-though that was horrible in and of itself. The absolute worst part was-he was right. She had been acting like a shrew to him since she woke up in the hospital three months ago. He had saved her life, sheltered and protected her, pampering her as much as she would allow, all the while asking nothing of her but that she talk to him, and she was being an ungrateful brat. Instead of trying to explain what she was going through or why she was so angry and how badly she was hurting, she had raged against him with verbal jabs and insults, rebelled at the security measures he insisted upon for her safety, taking every opportunity to irritate him, to push for a reaction from him. In short, she had just pushed. And kept on pushing, wanting to fight with him. Wanting to see him loose some of the control he was so famous for. Wanting most of all to hurt him so he would feel some small part of what she lived with everyday. What she had foolishly forgotten was that this man, when pushed too far, would always, always push back. And Red pushed back hard. She had brought herself to this and there really wasn’t any use fighting it.

  
Red felt the minute Merry surrendered. Her body relaxed, no longer fighting to avoid the swing of his hand and even lifting up slightly to meet the swats. She stopped howling and lay limp against his lap, sobbing loudly. The next time Red’s had came down it rested gently on her bottom, making soothing circles on the warmed flesh. Her bottom was shown a deep rose, and he could feel the heat radiating off of her into his admittedly sore hand. He smiled to himself. He had forgotten how much his hand always ended up stinging after he administered a spanking. He continued to make the soothing circular motions as he spoke. “Hush now, sweetheart, you’re doing so well. Let’s talk for a minute before we finish up, shall we?” He received a wet, snuffling hiccup in reply that he chose to take for agreement. He had just opened his mouth to continue, when there was a commotion out in the hallway and his bedroom door burst open spilling Denbe and two very agitated FBI agents into the room. Moving quickly, he released his hold on the arm he had pinned to Merry’s back and removed his leg from over hers, causing her pants to slide down the rest of the way and land on the floor. Red improvised by flipped the bottom of her pajama top down to cover her modesty. Well, most of it, anyway. When she went to lever herself up off his lap, however, he placed a hand on the small of her back and gently held her in place. “No need to get up dear, they won’t be staying long and we aren’t quite done yet.”

  
“The hell you aren’t” Agent Ressler growled. “Let her go Reddington!”

  
“You really should learn to mind your own business Donald.” Red said casually, but Merry could feel the tension coiling through Red as she lay across his thighs. “What a man does in his bedroom is no one’s business but his own. And those of whom he invites there, of course.” Ray added conversationally. “You weren’t invited. You should leave. Now.”

  
“If you think I’m just going to go back to bed and listen through the walls while you beat the shit out of her, you’re out of your mind.” The agent snarled back.

  
Liz watched as Red’s eyes went flat and cold and knew Ressler was thirty seconds or one more stupid comment away from being very dead. She stepped further into the room, putting herself between Red and the other agent.

  
“Um, Red, what is going on? She asked hesitantly. “We were woken up by shouting and then we heard crying and thought something happened. We checked the rest of the house and didn’t find anything. Denbe didn’t want to let us into your room, but it sounded like someone was getting slapped around in here……” Liz trailed off; her face reddening, embarrassed by her choice of words and not really knowing where to go with this line of questioning anyway. It was very unsettling to be standing in Reddington’s bedroom like this while he had a half naked woman draped across his lap, and ….and this was just getting too weird. Come to think of it, Merry hadn’t tried to move after that first attempt to set up, and she wouldn’t look at anyone in the room. She just kept staring at the couch cushions.

  
“Get a grip, Keen” Ressler shouted. “He’s beating her!”

  
Liz ignored him for the moment, instead speaking softly to Merry.

  
“Hey Merry, are you ok? Could you maybe stand up and let us have a look at you, just to make sure?” she coaxed. Liz watched as the other woman slowly turned her head to look up at Red. Was she asking for his _permission_?

  
Red gazed down at Merry for a moment before heaving a sigh of resignation. The agents obviously weren’t going away until they made sure he wasn’t murdering Merry. The faster they could be reassured, the faster he could get back to figuring out the woman draped across his thighs. “And we were making such progress, too” he murmured as he helped Merry to stand. She seemed a little bit wobbly and visually leaned against him for support. Red put his arm around her waist and turned her gently to face the agents after making sure that her top did indeed cover her to mid-thigh.

  
“I’m fine” she said softly, looking at the floor. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

  
Liz watched her closely, looking for any sign Red was coercing her response or that Merry wanted to get away from him, but there were none. In fact, she seemed to be clinging to him, her arm tight around his waist.

  
“How can you be fine? He’s hurting you!” Ressler exclaimed in disbelief. “You don’t have to let him do this just because you think he can keep you safe! I-We can protect you!” Ressler snarled, taking two angry steps towards Reddington, his fists clenched, causing Merry to shrink back, releasing her hold on Red who swept her behind him with one arm, putting himself between Merry and Ressler.

  
Liz put a restraining hand on Ressler’s shoulder to halt his movements. She hadn’t missed the way Red’s body tensed, how his fists clenched in preparation for a physical confrontation with the other man.

  
“Ressler, wait” Elizabeth said. She directed her words at Merry, but stared at Red, daring him to contradict anything she said. “Merry, if you want to you can leave with us. We can take you back to your room and I’ll stay with you tonight. We can leave in the morning and fly to D.C. The FBI can put you somewhere safe until this is over and you won’t need to see Reddington again if you don’t want to.”

  
Merry remained silent for long moments and then stepped back up to Red’s side. She looked up at the man standing so still next her. Red thought for a moment and then made a decision. He didn’t want to have this conversation with her in front of an audience, had planned it quite differently in fact, but he was desperate for her to stay with him. To choose him. This situation was getting out of hand and he needed to do something before there was nothing left to salvage. To keep her, he would humble himself, even if it was in front of Agent Ressler. Red could always kill him later. He put the agents out of his mind and focused on the woman standing before him.

  
He smiled gently down at her and nodded. He kissed her softly on the forehead and then stepped away. “Go with them if you want to Merry. I won’t try to stop you and I will still do everything in my power to keep you safe. But, you need to understand, if you choose to leave, this will be goodbye. I will not be half in and half out of your life any longer; it’s simply too painful. I want all of you or nothing at all. These last three months have been agony, wanting you and not being able to have you. You must chose, darling. Decide what you truly want. If you go, you go with my blessing, but if you stay, you stay _forever_. I let you go ten years ago because I thought that was what you wanted, and what, frankly, was best for you. If you choose to stay now, I will never let you walk away from me again. I am a selfish man, Merry. I keep what is mine.” Red wanted the words to be reassuring, but couldn’t keep the possessive growl out of his voice at the end. He knew she was walking the knife’s edge and might indeed leave with Liz rather than choosing to stay with him.

  
“Everything or nothing?” Merry asked softly.

  
“Everything or nothing” he agreed. “If you choose to stay, know that I will have all of you. Your heart, your thoughts, your fears. Your hopes and dreams. Your days and your nights and the passion of your sweet body. I will demand all of it from you and I will allow you to hold nothing back from me; I will accept no half measures. I will know you inside and out. My woman, my way.”

  
“And in return?” She asked, hope fragile in her voice.

  
“I will give you all that I am. The power of my name, the protection of my body and the strength of my will; everything that I possess. All of it is yours if you want it. If you want me. But most of all Merry, _I will love you for the rest of my life_.” Red stopped speaking, afraid his voice would break if he went on. He had laid his soul bare before her. He could only hope it would be enough.

  
Merry closed her eyes and he watched as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She took a deep, shuddering breath and turned away from him to face the agents. She did not see Red’s eyes close in pain and his shoulders slump in defeat. She stepped further away from him and he knew then that he had lost her. He wanted to curse and shout, to fall to his knees and beg her to stay, to snatch her up and keep her hidden until she agreed to be his, but he stood on in stony silence. He had told her he would let her go if that was what she wanted and he loved her enough to honor her wishes. But watching her leave was going to do what no enemy of his had ever managed to accomplish. It was going to break him.

  
“Thank you for your concern, but I am staying with Raymond.” His head snapped up so hard in surprise he bit his tongue.

  
“You can’t be serious!” Ressler shouted, disbelief written all over his face. He reached out as if to grab her shoulders and found himself caught up in a choke hold. Denbe had been standing behind them quietly, watching and waiting for Reddington to indicate he wanted him to interfere. The agents had completely forgotten he was there, but Red hadn’t. When Ressler moved towards Merry, Red nodded at Denbe to grab him.

  
“Denbe, would you please escort Agent Ressler back to his room. If he opens his door before breakfast is ready, shoot him.”

  
“Gladly, Raymond” Denbe smiled as he began to drag the struggling agent out of the room. Reddington turned to Elizabeth and smiled.

  
“Go back to bed Lizzie. I’ll see you in the morning.” His tone left no room for further discussion and she wasn’t sure what to say to him anyway. Liz turned to Merry. A strange look on her face, she asked the other woman one more time “Are you sure you want to stay?”

  
Merry smiled at her softly as she walked Liz to the door. “Yes. This is where I belong.” Liz glanced over her shoulder at Reddington, shook her head and left the room, muttering about how her life was getting too damned bizarre lately. Merry turned to face Red after the door closed. Alone with him again, she was suddenly nervous. She shifted her weight awkwardly from one foot to the other, unsure as to what to do next.

  
He still stood where she had left him, both hands in his pockets now as he looked at her solemnly. When he spoke, his words echoed Lizzie’s. “Are you absolutely sure Merry? This isn’t going to be an easy relationship. _I’m_ not easy. I am often demanding and difficult. Not to mention that I’m prone to wanting things my own way and I can be cruel when I’m not accommodated. ” he warned.

  
“I may remember something like that about you” she smiled. He smiled back at her a bit ruefully. But then he sobered and the humor faded from his face.

  
“Merry, this is your last chance. I won’t give you another. If you do not walk out that door right now….Well, you need to know that we are going right back to that couch to finish what was begun there. You need it, and frankly, after the last three month, I need to do it. I told you I want answers from you and I still mean to have them. So if you can’t accept that, if you can’t accept the man I am and the need I have for control, you should leave. Now. While I still have the strength to let you go.”

  
She stood looking at him for a few moments, considering his words. Slowly she walked towards him until she was so close she could feel the heat from his chest against her own. She tilted her head back so their eyes met and whispered “Your woman, your way. No regrets, Raymond.” His hands came up slowly to frame her face and he kissed her so gently she felt her heart break.

  
“You are so beautiful to me” he breathed against her lips.

  
As he stood looking down into the face of his own personal angel, Red could see the love shining from her tear bright eyes. All he wanted to do was to take her to his bed and spend forever making love to her. But they had unfinished business to attend to. If he could get them through the next few minutes, it would help ensure a much smoother future for both of them.

  
“Go stand by the couch darling.” Red stepped back and waited for her to follow his instructions before moving to the bedroom door. Reaching up, he threw the bolt to the slide lock at the top of the door and then the one near the floor, finally twisting the smaller lock under the handle of the door itself. “No further interruptions tonight, I think” he muttered to himself. He should have done that to begin with, but he had been caught up in the moment. That kind of carelessness was not like him and spoke of how deeply Merry affected him. Turning back to face the room, he smiled at the picture Merry made, standing next to the couch, head down and shoulders slumped. His poor penitent, waiting for him to carry out her sentence. Biting the inside of his cheek to hide the smile he knew she wouldn’t appreciate, he made his way to the couch and retook his previous seat. He helped her take her position across his lap and get settled.

  
“Do you need me to hold your hand again Merry, or do you think you can avoid reaching back?” He asked, his voice kind, knowing that this was often the most difficult part for her. She thought a moment and then reached her arm back, offering it to him.

  
“I’m not sure I’m strong enough tonight to control myself” she said in a very small voice. He gently guided her arm back and held it secure to the small of her back.

  
“It’s ok sweetheart. I’ll be strong enough for both of us.” Her trust was enough to break him and he had to clear his throat roughly before he could continue. Using his free hand, Red pushed the hem of her pajama top up out of his way. The skin he revealed was still bright red, hardly faded at all from the earlier spanking. He would have to be careful, perhaps focus more on her sit spot than he had before.

  
“Why are we here, Merry?” he asked. She was quiet for so long he was beginning to think she wasn’t going to answer him without prompting.

  
“I put us here, Raymond.” She said, her voice strained, the words coming out in a rush. “I pushed you to this and I am so sorry. I let my pain and my anger blind me to everything else. You tried to reach out to me, but I wasn’t willing to hear you. I was so focused on my own feelings, I ignored your pain. I know I hurt you and I’m so damned sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please, just do it! I’m sorry-“She paused to take a ragged breath and exhaled on a sob of pain and surprise as his hand began to fall on her already tender bottom. As he spanked, he told her how much he loved her. How much the last three months had cost him emotionally. How he had died inside a little each day as she continued to push him away and make half veiled accusations he didn’t understand. After about twenty swats, he stopped the spanking and began rubbing her throbbing flesh in gentle circles. He was so proud of her. She hadn’t fought him at all and had even managed to keep her cries down to loud sobs for the most part. When she settled a bit, he spoke.

  
“You said in the library that I paid you and walked away. Like a whore was how you put it. I have never treated you in such a fashion, Merry, and I would like an explanation as to why you would say such a thing to me.” Red could hear the hurt in his own voice and flinched at it.

  
“I was angry, I don’t know why I said-” Merry denied, but the crack of his hand against her bottom turned her words to a surprised yelp.

  
“Have I ever mentioned I don’t enjoy being lied to, Merry?” Red said mildly, again rubbing her bottom. “If I haven’t done so before, consider yourself hereby warned. Now, try again.”

  
“In the hospital!” She said quickly, before he decided to start spanking again. “You and Denbe were out in the hallway but I could hear you because the door was partially open. You told Denbe that I was like a broken doll and that you had never been so disgusted by anything in your life! And then you left me!” she sobbed. “You left and you never came back!”

  
Red’s eyes closed in pain. Of all the conversations for her to partially overhear, of course it had to have been that one.

  
“Merry you were drugged out of your mind-“

  
“I know what I heard!” she interrupted, some of her anger coming back. “Don’t you even try to tell me I imagined-Ow!” Red’s hand came down sharply on her left check, but just once.

  
“Listen to me!” he barked. “If you had been awake enough to hear the whole conversation, you would have heard me say I was disgusted with myself. With my failure to protect you as I had promised to do. And you were broken, Merry. Physically and mentally. The doctors weren’t sure you would live past the morning. I left briefly to make arrangements to have a team of specialist flown in. By the time I came back, your mother had arrived. She told me that I had done enough damage. You didn’t want to see me ever again. That you had woken up briefly and told her some of what had happened; that it was my fault and that you hated me for allowing Khan and his men to torture you. I was such a coward that I let her send me away rather than face you. I told myself I was doing it to spare your feelings, to honor your wishes, but really I just couldn’t bear to see the hate and loathing in your eyes.”

  
Merry’s heart broke at the self-hatred in his voice. “Oh Raymond, I am so sorry! I never said those things. I never blamed you for what happened! It wasn’t your fault the job went sideways. You did everything in your power to protect me and you came back for me. You saved me! When I woke up, I wanted you. Mother told me that you had left. She said that you had made arrangements for my care, given her the money you promised me for the job and told her that you were done with me. That I was so damaged you doubted I would ever be of any further use to you in the future, so I could consider my employment with you terminated. I was so devastated. It never occurred to me she was lying…”

  
“Why should it have, sweetheart? She was your mother. She was most likely trying to protect you from any further involvement with me.” Red said comfortingly.

  
“All those wasted years…lost.” Merry said sadly.

  
“Yes” Red agreed quietly.

  
They were quiet for a time, both lost in their own thoughts about what might have been. Red had released the arm he had held pinned to her back while they talked and allowed her to tuck it under her head where it lay on the cushion. He had continued to rub her bottom, and it was beginning to affect Merry in a way she wasn’t sure Red intended it to. In the past, discipline spankings had not led to sex. Red did not believe in rewarding bad behavior with pleasure. But it had been so long and she was so needy she couldn’t help but squirm under his touch. Of course Red noticed.

  
“Settle down Merry” he admonished.

  
“Sorry” she mumbled, praying he didn’t realize the reason for her restless motion.

  
Hearing the strain in her voice, he ran his gaze over her, looking for signs of distress beyond what could be normally expected during a spanking. Her shoulders were tense, but there was nothing surprising about that. His gaze traveled down her back to her bottom, which was now a deep red. Red frowned slightly, hoping he hadn’t done too much. He watched as his hands rubbed over the tender flesh, soothing away some of the hurt he had caused. Red’s eyes narrowed. Ever so slightly, she rolled her hips against him and her thighs tensed, rubbing together. If he wasn’t mistaken….Red ran his hand gently down the back of one leg and up the inside of the other and she stiffened against him. When his hand reached the apex of her thighs, he gently cupped her mound. Merry all but jackknifed up off his lap but he held her in place with his other arm.

  
“My God, Merry you’re soaking!” he growled.

  
“I know! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it!” Merry buried her face deeper into the couch cushion in embarrassment. Red stared down at the woman in his lap in indecision. She was right that in the past he would have never even considered making love to her after a serious spanking. It would undermine the whole point of disciplining her and ….And he could feel himself hardening against her as she continued to squirm. If she kept that up, he wouldn’t have a choice in the matter. His cock was going to make the decision for both of them. Her motions pushed her core more firmly against his hand and he realized just how extreme her condition was. She was swollen and lush and very quickly his palm became saturated from where he pressed against her. Never had she reacted this strongly to a spanking. Normally he would hold her while she cried offering comfort and reassurance. Letting her know she had paid her penance and all was forgiven. Afterwards, she was usually drowsy from all the weeping and excess emotion so he would tuck her into bed for a nap. This was something altogether different.

  
“Merry, how long has it been for you, love?” he asked. She mumbled indistinctively into the cushions, but her head shot up and her back arched when he slid one finger down her folds, just grazing her clit. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t quite catch that” Red quarried.

  
“Ten years” she hissed. Red’s hand stilled as he stared down at her in shock.

  
“What-why?” was the best he could get out.

  
“I can’t!” she cried in embarrassed misery. “I tried but I just can’t. I can’t stand the touch of another man, not after Khan…” her voice trailed off.

  
“Surely you took care of yourself, Merry? You’re a healthy, vibrant woman with all the normal needs of such. I can’t imagine that at some point you didn’t take matters into your own hands, so to speak. “He just couldn’t believe someone as sexually responsive as Merry could go so long without finding some way to achieve release.

  
“I CAN’T!” She yelled, turning her head to look at him at last. “I can’t reach climax. Not since the last time we lay together and it’s your fault!” she hissed up at his shocked face. “Do you remember what you said to me that night Raymond?” she glared at him, embarrassment and anger making her eye glitter.

  
Red’s eyes closed in regret and shame. “Not without my permission.” He said softly. That night it had just seemed part of the game they were playing, one more tool in his sensual arsenal. Requiring her to resist climaxing until he allowed it had just been another way to drive their passions higher. He could have never imagined the lasting damage he had done. “Oh, Merry, I have wronged you more than I ever imagined. I am so sorry, love.” He looked down into her face, hating himself more than ever. He had robbed her of so much. Well, no more. Now he would give.

  
He turned her in his lap so that she was cradled against his chest, her back supported by one of his arms while the other drew her down to just the angle he needed, her bottom between his spread thighs. She looked up at him in surprise and he couldn’t help himself. He leaned down and kissed her gently, coaxing her mouth to open under his. His tongue tangled slowly with hers, seducing rather than demanding, encouraging hers to come out and play. She softened against him, leaning into the kiss. He felt her hand on his nape and groaned into her mouth when she raked her nails gently down his neck. While their mouths explored each other, he quickly undid the buttons of her top so it fell open, exposing her beautiful body to his hungry eyes. Slowly he ran his hand down her side and back up to cup her breast firmly. She made a whimpering sound in the back of her throat as his thumb gently rubbed back and forth over her now rock hard nipple.

  
“So eager, sweetheart.” Red murmured against her skin as he trailed kisses along her jaw to her ear. “I’ve always loved that about you, Merry. Always so generous in your responses.” His breath puffed against her ear, sending shivers of pleasure over her skin. Keeping his mouth against her, he spoke words of praise and love as his hand moved from her breast down over her stomach, along the outside of one leg and back up the inside of the other. As his hand moved, he gently applied pressure, forcing her legs to part enough for him to work. His fingers ran up and down her slit before separating the swollen folds. Merry’s hips jerked against his hand and he smiled against her neck. Ever so slowly, he circled her opening with one thick finger while his thumb rubbed lightly over her clit, careful not to give her enough pressure to get off. He wanted to drive her higher before he let her fly. “That’s it sweetheart, feel how good it is.” He encouraged her, watching the pleasure spread across her face. The needy whimpers and moans she was unable to suppress were music in his ears, guiding him to where she needed most to be touched. Merry’s eyes were staring wide up at him, her pupils blown. “You are so beautiful. I wish you could see just how much. No, don’t close your eyes, Merry. I want to watch you come apart for me.” Merry had closed her eyes in embarrassment at his words of praise, but they snapped back open at his command and she drew him down to her for a scorching kiss.

“I am so close, Raymond. Please, push me over the edge. I need you!” He growled against her lips and deepened the kiss as his hand continued to work her, rubbing harder now as he pumped two fingers in and out of her tightening channel.

  
The pleasure went on and on, growing but never peaking, and slowly, Merry felt despair beginning to override the passion he had evoked in her. It wasn’t going to work, she was too broken. She could reach the peak, ride the edge forever but she couldn’t let go and fly. Tears began to leak out of the corners of her eyes as she reached down, trying to push his hand away from her.

  
“Raymond, stop! Please, I can’t. I told you, there’s something wrong with me!” She sobbed.

  
“Hush now, there’s nothing wrong with you.” He tried to sooth, but she wasn’t listening, too intent on trying to get away from him, her struggles becoming frantic. Red’s eyes narrowed. He wasn’t going to let her deny herself or him any longer. Moving swiftly, he shifted her to straddle him with her back pressed against his chest and her thighs spread wide on either side of his. One arm came up to hold her close, resting between her breasts so his hand clasped her opposite shoulder firmly, anchoring her in place against him. The other plunged back down between her thighs to continue working her fevered flesh. Mouth pressed against her ear, he growled “You will stop fighting this Merry. You will stop fighting _us_. There is nothing wrong with you other than that you’re afraid. Stop fighting, Merry, and just feel.” Two fingers pumped in and out, curling inside her to press against the bundle of nerves high up inside at the front of her channel while he firmly stroked her clit with the heel of his hand, intent on setting her off quickly. He felt her channel ripple, knew she was close. And still she resisted. It was the love in his voice that finally tipped her over the edge. “I need you to let go, Merry. I want to watch as you come apart in my arms and know that I have served you well. Please, darling, let go. I promise I’ll catch you.” Something wound tight inside of her for so long finally snapped and Merry wailed his name as she writhed on his lap, sobbing and gasping, helpless against the onslaught of pleasure. Red kept up the pressure, only gradually slowing his hand, wanting to prolong her pleasure as long as possible. Finally she collapsed back against his chest, boneless and sated.

  
Merry slowly came back to herself, her head still resting on Red’s shoulder and his arms wrapped tightly around her, his face buried in her hair. She stayed still, savoring the way he held her so close, making her feel loved and cherished. After a few minutes, however she noticed how tense he was beneath her, how she could feel the pounding of his heart against her back and hear his labored breathing. She shifted in his lap and felt the steely length of him pressed against her lower back. He groaned her name and pressed a kiss to her shoulder, tightening his arms to still her movement. Merry turned her head and nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck, murmuring his name.

  
“Merry, no. This was for you, sweetheart. I’ll keep.” His voice shook slightly and didn’t sound convincing even to his ears.

  
“But Raymond, you’re hurting. I can feel you” she wiggled against him again and his hips thrust up against her reflexively, grinding his erection against her. Merry took advantage of his distraction to turn in his arms, straddling his hips and putting her arms around his shoulders after shrugging off her top and letting fall to the floor. His face was a mask of need and desire, his eyes dark with the passion he was fighting to contain. She leaned forward and pressed kisses to the heated skin of his jaw and nibbled her way down his neck when his head fell back against the back of the couch. Reds hands tightened convulsively on her hips, pulling her closer, his breathing ragged.

  
“Raymond, make love to me. Please, I need you.”

  
With a groan of surrender, he kissed her desperately and stood, urging her to wrap her legs around his waist as he moved them from the couch to the bed. Gently he lowered her to the sheets, still kissing her desperately. Merry’s hands worked the buttons on his vest and pushed it from his shoulders as soon as the last one was undone. It was quickly followed by his shirt, but he stepped back from the bed when she reached for his belt. He watched her with hooded eyes as he quickly divested himself of his remaining clothes and returned to lie beside her on the bed. She tried to wiggle underneath him immediately, eager to have him inside her, but he had other ideas, stilling her movements with a hand on her hip. Beginning at her neck, he kissed and nibbled, licked and sucked his way down her body to her breasts, drawing one nipple into his mouth as his fingers rolled and pinched the other, sending pleasure whipping through her. Merry moaned and moved her hands to his head, holding him to her. Her hips moved restlessly and she made those little mewling noises he so loved as he moved from one breast to the other, placing wet, open mouth kissed against the valley between them.

“ _Raymond_ ” she pleaded. He looked up at her as he moved down her body, his tongue dipping into her navel playfully.

  
“Oh I do like my name on your lips, Merry. Let’s see if I can make you scream it.” Merry felt him slide his thumbs against her nether lips, spreading her open, his hot breath against her most intimate flesh. “So wet for me” he growled and then he was feasting on her like a starving man at a banquet. He swept his tongue through her folds again and again, nibbling and sucking on her clit and then thrusting as deep into her tight opening as he could get, eating at her voraciously. Merry’s thighs tightened around his head, trying to contain the sensations that were overwhelming her, but he pushed them back down, pinning them to the bed with his forearms, keeping her spread wide open for his ravaging mouth. The climax blindsided her, and she screamed his name just as he had wanted, writhing helplessly beneath the onslaught.

  
As her climax began to ease, Red moved up to cover her with his body, kissing her deeply as she ran her hands over every inch of skin she could reach, seemingly trying to touch him everywhere at once. She snaked one hand down between them to grasp him firmly and he groaned into her mouth at the sensation of her hand on his cock. He ached for her, felt he was going to go mad if he didn’t possess her soon.

  
Merry stroked him from base to tip, once, twice and then he stilled her hand, pulling it away and pinning it to the bed beside her head. “I want to touch you” she complained, trying to free her hand from his grasp.

  
“Later. You’ll unman me if you keep doing that. I need you too much right now” he said against her neck where he was nibbling on the delicate skin he found there. “I very much want to be inside of you when I finish.”

  
“Yes” she breathed, rubbing her wet folds against him, shuddering as the broad head nudged against her clit. He reached down and positioned himself against her opening and slowly began to push inside her. He gritted his teeth, fighting against the urge to thrust fast and deep, to pound into her until they were both mindless with pleasure. She was so damned tight and he didn’t want to hurt her. He thrust shallow, pulling back and thrusting again, giving her time to adjust to his size. It was the most pleasurable agony he had ever endured. When he was finally seated completely, he stilled. She felt so good, so hot and wet, squeezing his cock like a fist. Red concentrated on evening out his breathing; fighting back the rising pleasure. He refused to spill himself inside her on the first few strokes like some adolescent boy having his first sexual encounter. The kisses Merry was pressing to his neck and chest were not helping him regain his control, however, and when she bit the side of his neck, he began to move against her before he was ready. Helpless against the pleasure, he began thrusting into her faster and faster, long powerful strokes of his cock into her tight channel. She writhed beneath him, her hands on his ass, clenching to encourage him to move more aggressively against her.

  
“Raymond, oh God! Raymond! It’s so good! Don’t stop, please don’t stop!” she begged, his name a litany on her lips. His weight braced on his forearms, he moved his thumbs under her jaw on each side to tilt her heat up so he could look down into her eyes.

  
“Mine!” he growled. “You are mine, Merry. Now and forever, you belong to me!” He thrust high and hard into her, punctuating he words, wanting to imprint his claim on her for all time.

  
“Yours, Raymond! Always yours!” she answered him and then she was coming, rippling around him, milking his cock and triggering his own climax. They writhed together, lost in the sensation of giving themselves to the other. It seemed to go on forever, and when it was finally over, they were both struggling for breath, slick with sweat and hearts pounding in rhythm. Red collapsed to his side, pulling her to him to lie across his chest. He wrapped an arm around her and squeezed gently as she pressed a kiss to the center of his chest and then nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck.

  
Sleep should have come easily to both of them at that point, but Red could almost hear the wheels turning in Merry’s head. Her hand moved restlessly across his chest, playing with the coarse hair that lightly covered him there. When he heard her breath out a long sigh, he knew they wouldn’t be sleeping just yet. ‘The woman thought too much at all the wrong times’ he groused to himself.

  
“What thoughts are running rampant through that mind of yours now, Merry?”

  
“It’s nothing really, Raymond….” She felt his hand move from where it cradled her shoulder down to her bottom in warning.

  
“No half measures, Merry. No more hiding your thoughts from me. If I don’t know your doubts, how can I reassure you? How can I help when I don’t know what the problem is?” Red said quietly.

  
“I just don’t know if I can go back to how we were ten years ago. I want to be with you, and if that is what you need I will try, but I don’t think I can live that way on a daily basis” she confessed, her voice full of doubt.

  
“Do you remember the conversation we had when we first met to discuss my plan for infiltrating Khan’s organization?” Red asked carefully.

  
Merry frowned, trying to remember. Her brow smoothed as the memory came. “Yes, you said it would be a learning experience for both of us.”

  
“Yes. Total power exchanges can be very stimulating for an evening or even a weekend, but it’s not a lifestyle I’m interested in pursuing on a permanent basis.” He looked down at her and smiled. “As much as I enjoy having you at my mercy, I find that I enjoy your independent personality just as much.” He kissed her forehead and pressed her head back down onto his shoulder, his hand lingering to play with her hair absently. “We will figure out the rules to our relationship together, Merry. We will find what works for us.” They lay quietly together for a time and Red was just beginning to drift off when he felt her frown against his shoulder.

  
“Now what?” he grumbled, exhaustion pulling at him.

  
“When you brought me into this room, Raymond, you were so angry. The way you were acting…you were so aggressive, and I could feel the violence you were barely holding back. I was sure you were going to try and….” Her voice trailed off as she felt him tense underneath her. She looked up at him, but he refused to meet her gaze, instead staring up at the ceiling, barely visible in the slowly lightening room. Dawn was fast approaching.

  
“What did you think I was going to do, Merry?” he asked flatly.

  
“Well, I thought…” she frowned, hesitating. “I thought you were going to try and fuck me into submission” she blurted out, blushing.

  
Red barked out a surprised laugh, caught off guard. “Well, I can’t say I care for the way you phrased it, but yes, that’s pretty much what I intended when I carried you here “ he turned his face to her finally, his voice loosing it’s humor. “When a woman angers a man, Merry, lust is never far behind. And I was very angry when I carried you in here.”

  
“But something changed, Raymond. You changed right in the middle of everything. I’m just trying to figure out what caused it.”

  
“It changed when I kissed you up against the door. That kiss….It changed everything. I realized how much I still loved you, and how desperately I hoped you still loved me. I needed answers from you Merry, and you have never been more honest with me as when you are over my knee. I knew I could seduce you into telling me what I wanted to know, and that had been my initial intention, but I also knew that you would have felt degraded afterwards. I realized that I love you too much to make you feel that way ever again. So, I changed tactics.”

  
“I’m glad Raymond. I would much rather suffer a spanking that ever leave your bed feeling dirty and used.” Merry said quietly.

  
“You may not feel that way later today when we sit down for breakfast.” He chuckled to cover his relief. Having her confirm for him that he had chosen the correct path released a tension in his chest he hadn’t even been aware of.

  
“A sore bottom is much easier to bear than a broken heart, Raymond” she stated firmly, snuggling tighter against his side. “Now for goodness sake, will you please be quiet and let me sleep!” she teased.

  
“Minx” he growled fondly as he settled down to rest, content with her in his arms.


	2. Ten Years, Three Months and the Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all. Who hasn't felt a little panic the morning after?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the Blacklist or any of the characters, but lord if I did! This is a short one, but don't worry, it caries over into the next one nicely! Please leave comments, they make me happy!

Merry rolled over onto cool sheets, slowly blinking her eyes open. Late morning sunlight lazily swirled through the mostly closed curtains, throwing the room into half lit shadows. Slowly stretching, Merry relished the ache between her legs and her slightly tender bottom. Smiling, she turned her head expecting to see the man responsible for these delicious sensations lying beside her, only to discover she was very much alone in the bed. Pulling the sheet to her breasts, she sat up and looked around the room, but it was as empty as the space beside her. He was gone. Just like last time, he was gone. She could feel panic rushing in on her, and even though she knew she was being foolish, Merry was powerless to stop it. Her heat raced and suddenly she was gasping for breath.

“No, no, no! Not again!” Throwing back the sheet she scrambled from the bed, ignoring her robe and grabbing the shirt he had worn last night from where lay neatly folded on the bench at the end of the bed. She made her way towards the door as she slipped her arms in the sleeves and was still struggling with buttoning it as she rushed down the hallway to the stairs. She could already feel the tears rolling down her cheeks, so sure she would find the house empty, its owner hours gone. 

“Raymond?” she called, descending the stairs at reckless speed, frantic to find him, to confirm he had not abandoned her a second time. Running into the kitchen, she paused to call for him again “Raymond!” The house was strangely quiet, or maybe it was only that all she could hear was the frantic beating of her own heart thundering in her ears. “Raymond…” she whispered brokenly as shuddering sobs began to wrack her body. 

“In here Merry.” She gasped, whirling around to follow his voice into the morning room, bursting though the door, her eyes darting quickly around the room to focus on him. Red, dressed in a light linen suit, sans jacket, was seated on the couch, a pot of coffee and a plate of pastries on the table in front of him. His smile faded quickly as he took in her lack of clothing, tear streaked face and panicked expression. 

“Merry, sweetheart, what on earth-“ Before he could finish the sentence she had shoved the newspaper he had been reading out of the way and was clambering up into his lap like a frightened child. She wrapped her arms too tightly around him, causing him to grunt softly, and buried her head in his neck, gasping and shuddering, drinking in his rich scent and the warmth of him. Panic attacks were a bitch, and Merry was fairly certain he was the only cure for the one consuming her now. 

Red nodded at Denbe to give them the room as he wrapped his arms around Merry to hold her close. He murmured soothing words in his deep, wonderful voice and rocked her gently until her breathing evened out and the trembling subsided. With a sigh, she was finally able to relax against him. After several more minutes of clinging to him, allowing him to calm her, Merry removed her arms from around him and started to pull away, embarrassed now that the choking fear had eased enough for her to realize how she must look to him, but he simply tightened his arms around her, stilling her movements. Merry tilted her head back so she could see his face and blushed when he arched an eyebrow at her in question. 

“Merry, far be it from me to complain when a beautiful woman throws herself in my lap, but it appeared that you were in a bit of distress when you did so. Tell me what’s wrong sweetheart.” Red smiled down at her gently, his voice warm and encouraging. She thought about it for a moment, reluctant to reveal how cripplingly weak she really was, but decided he needed to know so he could be prepared when she inevitably let him down. She kept her eyes trained on the on the wall, gazing over his shoulder as she spoke, not wanting to see the disappointment on his face as he learned how pathetic she was, when she gave him just one more reason to pull away from her. 

“I suffer from occasional panic attacks, Raymond.” Her voice was flat, offering no clue as to what she was feeling. 

“I don’t remember you having panic attacks when we were together before, Merry. Did they start after” he started, but she cut him off. 

“They started after…just after.” She waved the rest away with a gesture of her hand, not wanting to dig deeper into the subject, but sure he wasn’t going to let it go. God, why did everything have to stem from that horrid event? Other women had suffered such ordeals and came out stronger, why did she remain so broken? He would realize eventually that she wasn’t a worthy companion, that she wasn’t strong like him. He didn’t need another burden in his life, someone else he had to take care of. He deserved to have someone by his side he could rely on, count on to be there to help, not hinder him and in time he would come to resent her. He would leave and this time, it would kill her.   Tears filled her eyes and she rubbed then away angrily. 

“God, I am so weak!” she spat in disgust. Her world spun and just like that, she was nose down in the cushions and Red was popping her bottom. Three hard swats left her gasping and then he righted her again. He gripped her chin firmly between his thumb and forefinger, tilting her face up to his. Red’s gaze was hard as he forced her to meet his eyes. 

“Do I have your attention Merisel?” His voice was low and clipped. She nodded, wide eyed, staring up at him in shock. “Good. I know I said we would discuss the rules to our relationship, figure it out together, but there really hasn’t been time as of yet. So in the interest of preventing you from suffering undue discomfort, perhaps I should mention one of the non-negotiable rules I have.” He moved so that their faces were only inches apart, his breath brushing over her as he spoke. “You are _never_ to speak about yourself in such a disparaging manner again. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met.”

Merry shook her head, at least as much as the firm grip he still had on her chin would allow. He needed to know she wasn’t strong, that he couldn’t trust her not to freak out that the worst times, but he cut her off before she could begin to speak. 

“No, you will _listen_ to me!” he growled. “You have been through so much. Khan and his men abused you for almost two days,” he hissed, “nearly raping you to death before they tired of that, then taking a horsewhip to you for the sheer enjoyment of watching you bleed! They left you for dead! But you didn’t die, Merry. You didn’t. You survived everything they did and even after I….left, you went on surviving. You rebuilt your life and did everything in your power to move forward. You are so strong, sweetheart. Stronger than I could ever be.” He was looking at her now with such tenderness, and perhaps a touch of awe. 

“Do you really see me like that, Raymond?” she asked in a small voice, doubt clear in her voice. He released her chin, his warm hand moving to cup her cheek tenderly. 

“Yes” he said simply. 

“I don’t feel strong” she confessed. “Most of the time I feel like I might shatter at any moment and I won’t ever be able to put the pieces back together again.” This time she didn’t try to stop the tears. 

He hugged her to him, tucking her head under his chin as he rocked her. “Sssh, now sweetheart, it’s going to be ok. After all, there are two of us now. I’ll help you put the pieces back in place.” She gave a soft laugh when he quietly added “You know I love puzzles, right?" 

They stayed like that for awhile, neither speaking, content to just be with each other. 

“Tell me what triggered the panic attack this morning?” he asked quietly. She squirmed in his lap, embarrassed at the memory, but knowing he was going to insist. Merry heaved a slightly dramatic sigh and gave in before he turned the request into a demand. 

“If you must know, I woke up and you were gone. The triggers can be anything, a sudden sound, an unexpected though, a random movement or nothing at all. This time it was waking up without you. You were gone and I was afraid…” she let her voice trail off, not wanting him to think she was accusing him of leaving her again, even if that had been her first thought. 

Red frowned, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he processed what she had said and what she had left unspoken. “Merry, I’m not ever leaving you again. I may have to occasionally take trips were it would not be safe for you to accompany me, but I’ll never again leave in the way you fear.” Red kept his tone light, but his words carried their own weight. He hoped Merry could feel the truth in them. “I thought I made my feelings about us clear last night. You are mine, just I am yours. My love did not fade with dawn, and if you’re having second thoughts, just forget them right now, because you chose to stay and I’m keeping you. _Forever_. Is that reassuring enough for you, dear heart?” He pressed a kiss to her upturned mouth. He intended it to be just a quick, affectionate brush of the lips, another way to reassure her, but she reached up to hold him to her as she deepened the kiss. When they broke apart, both breathing a bit heavily, his gaze was heavy lidded with desire. “Of course, if you need more reassurances, I could always carry you back to my bed and spend the rest of the day providing them” his voice was pitched low and whisky smooth, causing a shiver to run over her body, The smile he gave her was full of smug maleness and the hand not tangled in her hair began to run up her leg to play with the hem of the shirt she was wearing. Small as she was, it covered her well past mid-thigh, but there was definitely something very arousing about seeing her dressed in his clothes. The thought made him pause. 

“As much as I enjoy having such ease of access to your beautiful body Merry, it may not be the best choice of wardrobe whilst we have guests in the house.” Red frowned, sidetracked from his passion momentarily by the thought of Agent Ressler seeing Merry clad like this. The boy scout would either cover his eyes, scandalized, or he’d drool all over her. He hadn’t missed some of the longing looks the agent had been giving Merry when he though no one was looking. Red’s frown turned into a full-fledged scowl. Fucking Ressler better cover his damned eyes if he wanted to keep them. Merry’s hand on his jaw brought him out of his unpleasant thoughts. 

“Feeling possessive, Raymond?” she teased, guessing at the path his thoughts had taken. 

“Very” he growled, deliberately reaching up under the shirt to squeeze her tender bottom in one big palm. Merry hissed and arched her back, reaching down to grasp his wrist. Red took advantage of the creamy skin exposed by her arched neck to kiss and lick his way down the slender column to her collar bone and then to the upper swell of her breast. Merry moaned low in her throat, the sound a mixture of pleasure and pain. 

“Oh my God! Can’t you two get a room?” Lizzie stood in the doorway, face crimson, trying to look anywhere but at the couple on the couch. Ressler, standing beside her in the doorway, had no such discretion. 

“Jesus, Reddington, didn’t you get enough last night? Leave the poor woman alone” he glared belligerently at the other man. 

Red had been grinning at Lizzie’s embarrassment, but hearing Ressler’s comment, all humor left him. Slowly, he pressed a lingering kiss to Merry’s lips and turned to face the agent, eyes hard and a mocking smile curving his lips. 

“Donald, in the years you chased after me like a particularly inept bloodhound, did you learn nothing at all? I’m an indulgent man, and my…appetites are not easily satisfied.   _I always want_ _more_ ” Red purred, sensual and dangerous, deliberately antagonizing the other man. Merry frowned and moved off Red’s lap to stand behind the sofa, putting her hands on his shoulders to try and calm him. She knew where this was potentially heading and a sick feeling was growing in her stomach. 

“Oh I think we all got a good look at those appetites last night, Reddington. I always knew you were a sadistic bastard, but getting off on beating a woman, hurting her for your own pleasure, that’s just sick” Ressler shot back. 

Red made a sound between a snarl and a growl and moved to stand from the sofa, no doubt with the intention of doing bodily harm, but Merry pressed down on his shoulders, halting his movements. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Easy love, I’ve got this.” 

“Donny?” She said softly. Slowly the agent slid his gaze from Red to her, his expression still aggressive but softening after a moment. 

“Hey, Merry. How you feeling this morning? You ok?” concern tinged his voice, so different from the anger and disgust of a moment before. 

“Donny, I need you to do something for me” Merry said, ignoring his questions. 

“Anything. Just ask.” 

“I need you to think back to when you were in my house in New Orleans. Do you remember how it looked the first time you were there? Before the clean-up crews came in?” 

“Yeah, I remember. It looked like a slaughter house. At least one body in every room” he sighed. “It was a real mess.” 

“Yes, it was. Six men dead. Two shot, the rest killed with a knife. Who killed those men, Donny?” She asked. 

He opened his mouth and closed it without answering. He just stared at her, puzzled as to where she was going with this. He watched as she gave Red’s shoulders a final squeeze before moving from behind the couch and walking slowly towards him. He couldn’t help the way his eyes ran the length of her body before snapping back up to her face. His face flushing at the way her hips swayed with each graceful step. He swallowed harshly as came to a stop in front of him, standing just this side of too close. 

“Do you think me helpless, Donny?” She purred up at him, suppressed anger glittering in her eyes. “No one saved me from those men when they came for me. I killed each and every one of them.” 

“Merry, where are you going with this? I know you killed them, we’ve debriefed you already. It was self defense! You don’t need to worry about that-“ 

“Oh I’m not worried about that, Donny” Merry cut him off. “Do you think me helpless?” she repeated. 

“No, you are obviously capable of defending yourself. I just don’t understand-“ 

“No you don’t understand, Donny. That’s my point. What you barged in on last night, what you saw, you don’t understand any of it. But you are so quick to judge it” she said. 

“What he was doing to you was wrong, Merry. No woman should have to put up with that kind of treatment!” Ressler grated, outraged that she was defending Reddington. “Whatever sick games he’s forcing you to play, you don’t have to go along with it! Let me help you!” 

“Donny, think about what you really saw last night, and then remember the men at the house” she spoke softly, willing him to understand. He stared down at her in confusion for a moment, frowning as he processed what she was trying to tell him. Incredible sadness filled her at the dawning look of disgust and horror on his face as he finally understood. Their budding friendship would never survive the violent rejection of his reaction. 

“You never fought back. Last night, you weren’t fighting back at all. You let him do that-no, you wanted him to hurt you!” his voice was hoarse and thick with disbelief. “You’re as twisted as he is!” 

Merry narrowed her eyes and her jaw jutted out defiantly. “Think whatever you like, Agent Ressler, but don’t you ever accuse Raymond of abusing me again. Our relationship is no one’s business but our own. It works for us and that is all that matters. Kindly keep your narrow minded opinions and snotty comments to yourself!” With that she pushed past him and headed for the door. She paused in the doorway, looking over her shoulder at Red, still seated on the couch. 

“I’m going to take a quick shower and then I’ll be back for some of those pastries.” Merry tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it wobbled around the edges and even across the room he could seen the sheen of tears in her beautiful copper eyes.

And then she was gone.

 

BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB

 

“You really stuck your foot in it this time Ressler” Lizzie stated quietly. She had watched the confrontation unfold and found it fascinating in the way one watches a train wreck or a head on collision. She was very sure that if Merry hadn’t interfered she would be calling a coroner’s van for her partner right now. Red had looked ready to rip the other man apart. 

“That seems to be the one talent Donny here has in spades” Red commented from where he was still seated on the couch. His voice was as cold as the stare he was leveling at the agent. 

“You both can just shut up” Ressler growled, hiding his embarrassment with belligerence. “I don’t know what kind of hold you have on her Reddington, but Merry is a smart woman. She’ll realize what you are soon enough and I’ll be there to help her get away from you.” 

“Really?” Red laughed without humor. He stood from the couch, tugging his waistcoat back into place as he strolled across the room to stand in front of the agent. “Tell me, Donald, did you attend Sunday school as a boy? I did occasionally, whenever I stayed with my grandparents. I remember the young woman tasked with trying to teach a room full of rowdy ten year olds all about heaven and hell, good and evil. Miss Hartland was her name. She was a lovely woman, so very patient in the face of our boredom. I admit I don’t remember much of anything the poor dear tried to import to us, but one thing stuck with me over the years. I think because even at that young age, I knew there was no way on earth I would ever be able to live up to that particular lists of does and don’ts. Care to hazard a guess as to which list I’m referring to Donald?” 

When Ressler didn’t answer and just continued to glare at the older man, Lizzie spoke up. “The Ten Commandments, right?” She asked dryly. Red laughed heartily. 

“Yes, yes! Very good Lizzie. I’ve broken them all and some, I admit, repeatedly!” He was smiling at her broadly, but the smile disappeared as soon as he turned back to Ressler. 

“But you, Donald, you I think are a man who tries very, very hard to live his life by the rules. I think though, you are having a problem with one in particular.” 

“Yeah, I’m having a really hard time not killing you right now, Reddington” Ressler growled. 

“You know, everyone gets that one wrong. In the original text, it’s not ‘Thou shalt not kill’. It’s ‘Thou shalt not murder’. But no, I was thinking more of number nine.” 

“Which ones that?” Lizzie asked, drawing a blank. Sam had not been a religious man.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” Red answered, his voice so full of quiet menace that Lizzie actually shuddered. Red and Ressler continued to glare at each other for several minutes before the younger man looked away. 

“She’s not your wife, Reddington. She’s nothing more to you than a temporary distraction, something to kill time with. After you’ve had your fill, you’ll cast her aside like all the others” he said bitterly.  Ressler refused to look at him as Red moved to stand at his side facing the opposite direction. 

“You keep saying things like that and you’ll force me to hurt you Agent Ressler” Red warned quietly. “Whatever you think of my relationship with Merry, know this-she is mine. My wife in all but name. Trespassing will not be tolerated.” Red moved towards the door still speaking. “And Donald, if you ever make her cry again, they won’t find enough of you to bury.”

And then he was gone.

 


	3. The Morning After Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trauma from their past threatens their future. Can Red lead Merry through it? As always, I do not own the Blacklist.

“Did you enjoy your shower?”

Merry froze half in and half out of the bathroom doorway, pinned in place by the sensual threat in Red’s voice. Her hand convulsively tightened on the towel she had wrapped around herself and she had to fight the urge to retreat back into the relative safety of the bathroom and hide. Even if she managed to get the door closed and locked between them, she knew it would be a futile gesture at any rate. Red would react in one of two ways, depending on his mood. He’d either wait patiently right where he was for Merry to realize she was acting like a child and come back out on her own, or he would simple follow her into the bathroom and carry her out, kicking and screaming if need be. Picked apart or kicked down, a locked door was obviously no deterrent to Raymond Reddington, especially since Merry _knew_ she had locked her bedroom door when she had come upstairs, a decision made it haste that she was now regretting.

By the time she had made it up the stairs the adrenaline coursing through her body had begun to fade, leaving her feeling vulnerable and out of control. She had locked the door without thinking, more as a way to contain what she was feeling than in any real effort to keep Red out. She had not even considered how he would react to finding her door locked against him. From the tone of his voice, she should have.

“What am I going to do with you, Angel? Locked doors? I thought we were past that.” When she offered no explanation, he shook his head. “Obviously I was mistaken.” Red sighed, disappointment heavy in his voice.

Slowly she raised her head to look over to where he was leaning against one of the posts at the footboard of her bed in a deceptively relaxed pose, arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to one side. He had removed his tie and the top few buttons of his silk shirt were unbuttoned. Merry’s eyes widened as she noticed the rolled up sleeves. He was _really_ not happy about the locked door.

“Raymond…”When she didn’t say anything else, just continued to watch him cautiously, he straightened and walked slowly towards her, his eyes roaming her still form. She knew what he was seeing, had seen it reflected back at her in the fogged bathroom mirror. She was too pale, her eyes red rimmed and over bright from crying; her shoulders hunched inwards protectively. The fierce strength she had felt when she confronted Ressler less than an hour earlier had ebbed away during her shower, drowned out by feelings of shame and doubt. The words the young FBI agent had hurled at her in anger and disgust echoed in her head even now. ‘You’re as twisted as he is!’ The accusation beat at her until she had no defense against it and she had ended up sobbing her pain against the tile lined shower wall. As Red came to a stop before her, she averted her face from his knowing eyes, unwilling to let him see just how broken and fragile she felt at this moment.

He raised his hand and gripped her chin between his thumb and index finger, forcing her to meet his gaze. He searched her face and the guilt and shame he saw there made his eyes narrow and his face tighten in anger.

“It’s always two steps forward and one step back with you, isn’t it Merisel?” He rasped. “How long will you continue to blame yourself for something that you had no control over?”

Merry flushed, and jerking her chin from his grasp, she walked past him towards her closet. “I don’t know what you mean, Raymond” she denied, unsettled by the intensity in his voice, the way he always seemed able to see through her defenses and into her innermost fears.  “I’m fine; I just need to get dressed.” His grip on her shoulders as he came up close behind her stilled her nervous movements and she stood trembling under his hands.

“Two lies with one breath. Sweetheart, your offenses are adding up.” Red tsked, the mocking concern in his voice belied by the tension in his hands. “You’re hiding again, Angel, and I won’t allow it.” He waited a moment for a reply, and receiving none, he went on. “Tell me, Merisel, what thoughts were you torturing yourself with as you spent the last forty-five minutes scrubbing your skin raw? Whose touch where you trying to erase?”

“Raymond please! I can’t do this right now!” Merry cried desperately as she tried to move away from him, from the truth he was asking her to face.

  Red’s grasp shifted, sliding down to grip her upper arms, not hurting, but letting Merry feel his strength as he pulled her tight against him, refusing to let her run. She shivered as her naked back made contact with the heat of his silk clad chest and Merry had to suppress a moan as the hard length of his arousal pressed up against her towel clad bottom.

“In your blind need to condemn yourself for what was done _to_ you, you have lost sight of the most important truth in all of this, Merisel. So, perhaps we need to go back to the beginning to help you remember.”

“I don’t want to remember, damn you!” she screamed, suddenly a wild thing thrashing in his arms, bucking her body to break his hold and swinging her arms blindly to strike at any part of him she could reach, frantic to escape before he could force her down the path towards her own personal hell. Red controlled her writhing body easily, his strong arms wrapping around her, pinning her flailing limbs and holding her tightly to him. Merry continue to struggle against his hold until she exhausted herself and she sagged limply against him. “Why are you doing this, Raymond?” she sobbed brokenly, crying openly now.

“Because I love you more than my own life Merisel.” Red kept his voice soft and low in an effort to steady them both, but as he felt her tremble under his hands, he almost relented. _Almost_. But this was a path she needed him to lead her down, and he was determine not to fail her again.

When he had followed her upstairs earlier, it was with the single minded intent of loving her, of spending the rest of the afternoon showing her how much he adored and desired her. Her fierceness in standing up to Ressler on his behalf had aroused in him a voracious need to hold her close, not in an effort to contain or dampen her brightness, but to simply drown himself in her fire and let it warm his soul. It had been years since anyone had cared enough to defend him, and in that moment, he could not have loved her more.

His frustrated disbelief at finding her door barred to him had only lent speed to his dexterous hands as he had made short work of the simple lock. Once inside her bedroom, he had moved with intent towards the bathroom, only to be frozen in place by the helpless fury and anguish he had felt as he stood outside the bathroom door, listening as she cried out her emotional agony and sobbed words of self loathing. It killed him that she had chosen to hide her pain from him, refusing to allow him the chance to comfort and reassure her. Merry kept it all bottled up inside, only to be crushed underneath the onslaught when she could no longer contain it. It was self-destructive and Red knew it could not be allowed to continue. Eventually it would eat her up from the inside out and the beautiful, vibrantly alive woman he adored would cease to exist. All that would remain would be a bitter shadow of what she once was. It was not an outcome he was willing to accept.

He allowed himself another moment to just hold her, both giving and taking comfort in their embrace. What he was about to do may very well shatter them both.

“Tell me, Merisel, do you remember the first lesson I ever taught you? Mmmh? Do you remember lover’s lesson number one?” he asked, nuzzling his cheek against her still damp hair, deliberately pitching his voice low, allowing it to deepen with desire and smiled when she shivered in his arms.

“Raymond, I….” Merry couldn’t focus, her earlier arousal slamming back into her; her concentration blown by the feel of him pressed against her, the warmth from his body seeping into hers and the possessive grip he used to hold her. And his scent… God, he was all sandalwood and musk, scotch and tobacco, and underneath it all, hot aroused male. It was intoxicating, wrapping Merry in a sensual fog, need coiling deep in her belly. She shuddered as Red relaxed his grip on her right arm, slowly running it down her side to wrap around her waist, pulling her hips back sharply against his. She instinctively ground back against him, moaning in answer to his hissed out breath.

“Has it ever occurred to you to wonder why you still rouse to my touch, Merisel? Why you still crave my possession?” Red’s voice rumbled from deep in his chest, thick with lust and Merry’s head fell back against his shoulder, her neck suddenly too weak to hold it up. He took advantage of the access she gave him to run his mouth over the sensitive skin in hungry, open mouth kisses before returning to press against her ear.

“I asked you a question, Merisel, several in fact, and since I am not in the mood to repeat myself, I suggest you focus and give me the answers I require.” Nothing. She was giving him nothing, and he was becoming desperate. She had to see the truth of it herself. He could tell her until he was blue in the face, but until Merry discovered it for herself; he knew she would never truly believe it.

“She who is silent is understood to consent, Merisel” Red quoted with soft menace, tightening his arm around her waist further, knowing the firmer hold would help ground her. “Do you want me to _make_ you answer, sweetheart? Is that truly a game you wish to play with me? It may very well lead to places you are _not_ yet ready to go.”

Both his tightened grip and the implied threat of his warning had the intended effect, wringing a response from her at last.

“I’m not playing any kind of game, Raymond!” Merry promised, her voice teary and just short of desperate. What did he want from her? How would remembering what happened do anything but cause her further pain? She struggled to understand, but her mind was sluggish, refusing to focus on any one though for more than a fleeting second.

“Then answer me, Merisel. I tire of waiting.”  He would give her a moment more to find the answer, and then he would have to _push_. To be free from the poison of her past, Merry would have to face it.

“Consent…. The first lesson, it was about consent, Raymond.” Her answer, when it finally came, was spoken just above a whisper. She felt him smile against her ear.

“Very good, Angel” he praised, relief flooding him. “Consent implies trust, Merisel. You must trust to give true consent, to _willingly_ give over control to another.” Releasing his hold completely, he stepped back, turning her to face him. When Merry would have continued to stare at his chest, he placed a hand to either side of her neck, using his thumbs to tilt her head up to meet his gaze. Copper collided with gold flecked jade and she felt she might drown in the love and determination shining from his eyes.

“Before we go any further, Merisel, I need you to absolutely sure.”

 Swallowing thickly, she waited, already knowing what he would ask, just as he had done on their first night together more than ten years ago.

 “Merisel, do I have your consent?”

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very difficult chapter to write. Please let me know what you think. Reviews, good and bad, are very much appreciated.


	4. Through to the other side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a dark chapter, so consider yourself warned. Red must help Merry face the horrors in her past and it might just destroy them both. Warning: triggers for rape.
> 
> As always, I don't own the Blacklist. And I don't have anything funny to say on this one. Sorry.

_“Merisel, do I have your consent?”_

As she continued to stare up at him, Merry was no longer really seeing him, her gaze instead turning inward and going back, back to the night she had first heard those words. Six little words that would forever change her life, spoken from the sensual, smiling lips of a man who would so thoroughly infiltrate her being that he would become an integral part of who she was. She had been so full of nervous trepidation that night in the gardens, but _something_ inside of Merry had resonated with him, instinctively urging her to trust this man, though she had only known him for a few scant hours. That same _something_ was just as strong today as it had been ten years ago, still urging her to follow where he lead, knowing he would never cause her harm.

In all the time they had been together, Red had taken her places Merry had been afraid to go, shown her things about herself that shocked her to her core, changing her and how she saw herself, but there had always been such care in his methods, his concern always for her well being, always making sure she was right there with him in the moment, experiencing as much pleasure as she could stand, that it was never more than what she was ready for, never more than she could bear. For all his dominance, Red had always treated her as precious to him, someone to be treasured and adored and kept close to his heart.

Consent and trust; he had always had both from her, from the moment she crashed into his arms ten years ago, to their glorious reunion in his bed last night. _And that was the key._ She still trusted him, had never stopped trusting him deep down, where it mattered most; had never withdrawn her consent. She was still _his_. That was why she could lay with him even now, when a touch from another would send her into a screaming panic, why his possession still made her feel safe and loved. _That_ was the truth she knew he was going to use to set her free from the tortures of her past, if she was brave enough to allow it.

But was she strong enough? Could she take this journey with him, bring herself to reveal to him all the details of her greatest shame, to expose to him the twisted, weak and ugly thing Khan had made of her, and could she bear to see her pain reflected in his eyes when she looked back at him from the other side? Because she _knew_ him, knew Red would take her pain for his own and heap it on top of the sense of failure and blame he already carried for not preventing that horror from occurring in the first place.

No, she was not strong enough by herself, but perhaps if they were to walk this path together, they would be able to survive the journey and emerge on the other side, finally whole.

Bringing her gaze back to focus on his beloved face, she knew she had to try. For him, and for herself, she had to try. Their love would not survive otherwise. It had to be everything or nothing at all.

 

Red watched the emotions sliding across her face, the introspective cast to her gaze telling him she wasn’t seeing him now, but had gone somewhere else in her mind. He waited patiently, giving her the time she needed to sift through her thoughts and come to her own decision. He only prayed she made the right choice, for he knew their future was hanging in the balance. If she denied him, Red knew there would be nothing left that he could do; no move he could make to salvage them. For all his power and wealth and despite the considerable force of his will, Red would be as helpless in the face of her refusal as she had been in the nightmare of Khan’s torture.

He would not abandon Merry again, was in fact physically unable to walk away from this woman who held his heart, and so he would become trapped beside her in their shared desolation. Both of them becoming hallowed out shells as they would be forced to watch, powerless, as something that had once been so heart-wrenchingly beautiful died bit by bit and day by day, slowly turning from glory to bitter ashes as it burned out in the remnants of a cruel fire set so long ago.

The strain of waiting was starting to wear on him as Red battled with the urge to demand that she trust him, that she let him help her heal and come back to him. ‘Please, darling,’ he pleaded with her in his mind, ‘please, just trust me one more time.’ Without her trust, without her willingness to follow him, there would be no way forward for them.

Just as Red was about to give up waiting and beg her for an answer, she came back to him, her eyes refocusing on his, the light in them causing hope to tremble inside him. Merry brought her hands up to cup his where he held her and squeezed them gently.

“Yes, Raymond. You have my consent. You always have. I never stopped trusting you, love. I just forgot that for awhile.” Tears were sparkling in her eyes, trembling on her long lashes as she whispered her desperate love for him. “But Raymond, I’m terrified that doing this might hurt us more than we can bear.”

“Oh Merry, my sweet girl,” he murmured, crushing her to him, cradling her in the safety of his arms, “Not doing this will destroy us. You know that, don’t you? Trust me, sweetheart. Trust me to take care of you.”

“I do, I do trust you. More that I trust myself at this point. But you need to understand, Raymond. I’ve done my best to bury all of it for almost ten years and I can’t look too closely without an overwhelming urge to run from it. If we’re to do this, I’m going to need you to _make me_ face it.”

Merry was sobbing against his chest now, her tears soaking through the silk of his shirt to wet his skin and for the first time, Red began to have doubts about his ability to help her through this. They had not even really begun and she was already in distress. Was he being arrogant, thinking he could help her to heal?

“Merry, hush now, sweetheart. It’s ok, it’s going to be ok” he tried to sooth her without much success. “If it’s too much, Merry, we can stop. I’m sorry darling, please don’t cry. Perhaps I should find someone else for you to talk to, Merry, a professional trained in treating the long term trauma caused by rape.” She laughed wetly into his shirt, clinging to him tighter as she shook her head against his chest in denial.

“You think I haven’t that, Raymond? I’ve spent years in therapy, talking and talking, therapist after therapist and it did no good! They don’t understand! It wasn’t just rape!” She pulled her head back from where she had buried it against him and stared up at him fiercely. “Khan didn’t just rape me, he _broke_ me, Raymond! He tortured me, twisting my mind and my emotions until there was nothing left that he hadn’t touched.” Merry paused then, her eyes searching his as she reached up to cradle the back of his head in one hand, drawing it down until their foreheads touched. “I’ve seen the scars on your body, laid beside you as you fought your nightmares, and I learned to recognize the haunted look in your eyes when you were remembering things from your past” her voice hoarse with pain as she pleaded with him. “You understand torture because you’ve been there, yes?”

“Yes….” He knew torture, understood it from both sides; knew that for it to be truly effective, it had to be specifically tailored to the victim. He knew that if you were willing to hurt someone for long enough and cruelly enough, you could break _anyone_. And Merry had been very badly hurt when he had found her.

“Raymond, please. I need you to do this. You’re right; I can’t go on like this, living with this poison inside of me. You’re the only one I trust enough to help me. Please.” She was near panic now, almost begging him and he couldn’t stand it.

“Alright, Merry” he soothed, rubbing her back in gentle circles. “If this is what you need, then alright. Anything you need, sweetheart, of course I’ll do.”

She nodded her head against his, closing her eyes in relief. A second later they popped back open and the fear in them took Red aback, sucking the air from his lungs.

“Raymond, I need you to listen to me. I mean _really_ listen” she swallowed harshly; her words choked as if forced passed a barrier. “The worst thing Khan did, what he used to break me in the end, I’ve never been able to tell anyone. I don’t think I can. That game you accused me of playing earlier? I wasn’t playing it then, but unfortunately, I think we’re going to have to play it now.” He jerked back in surprise, unsure if she knew exactly what she was asking him to do.

“Merry, no. This isn’t a punishment, darling. I’m doing this to help you and that would be…..” he shook his head. “Merry, I would be…. gentler in the doing of this.”

“It won’t work, Raymond” she shook her head sadly. “I know that it’s cowardly of me to ask you to do this, but if you’re gentle, I’ll fight you, I won’t be able to help it. The idea of hurting you is abhorrent to me Raymond, and this….this is going to hurt you so much……I can’t tell you on my own. I just can’t.” Her eyes pleaded with him for understanding.

And in that instant, Red knew what Khan had done, _knew_ he had used Red against her; had somehow twisted Merry’s love for him into something ugly, and in doing so, Khan had forever linked the two men in Merry’s mind.

The guilt was enough to crush him and he swayed slightly under the weight of it. By loving her, he had given Khan the key to breaking her, and the other man would have used it ruthlessly, forging Red into a weapon to cut Merry deeper than the whip he had later used to lay open her back. The pain of the knowledge ripped through him like nothing he had experienced since that December night in 1990. Was he forever destined to bring harm to the ones he loved?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read and review. Thanks as always for reading.


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